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Uncle Sam's visit 



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...U. 5. SENATE... 






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TO 

THE PRESENT 
DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS, 
THAT NOBLE BAND OF NEW-STYLE 
PATRIOTS, WHOSE SYMPATHIES ARE SO 
BROAD AS TO INCLUDE EVEN THEIR OWN POCKETS 
AND THEMSELVES; AND WHOSE CALM AND 
BENIGN INTELLIGENCE HAS ENABLED 
THEM TO EVOLVE THE FOLLOW- 
ING NEW POLITICAL 
MAXIM: 

''TO DO NOTHING IS SAFER SOMETIMES THAN TO DO 
SOMETHING," 

THIS LITTLE BOOK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED. 



COPYKIGHT, 



To THE Gentle Reader: 

The thought struck me some days ago, 

Perchance the world would like to know 

About the visit that was made — 

(True! without any great parade) 

By Uncle Sam who went to see 

His servants who serve" Liberty; 

When, harvest season being done, 

He thought he'd see the goings-on 

At a place called Washington. 

For having read the daily papers, 

He had heard about the capers 

That the Senate had been playing. 

Whilst he had been to work at haying; 

But when the hay at last was stacked, 

Said Uncle Sam; ''Now I'll be cracked, 

If I don't jest go down and see, 

About this 'ere tom-foolery, 

Thet folks say is taking place, 

In the law shop o' the race. 

I don't know what's up, I am sure. 

But politicks must be kept pure; 

So guess I'll have to take a peek, 

To see ef I kin find a leak." 

So, laying out some shirts and collars. 

Two pair of socks, and eighty dollars 

Which he with thrift had laid away, 



To serve him 'gainst a rainy day, 

And seizing his old carpet sack, 

Uncle Sam began to pack. 

And having packed, with grip in hand, 

From his farm house in the North 

Uncle Sam set gaily forth. 

Toward the line of Dixie Land, 

To see the town he used to know, 

About a century ago. 

He reached there safely, and straightway 

Stowing his old grip away. 

And having washed his hands and face, 

He took a look around the place. 

Nobody knew him there and so 

He had a good time, you must know. 

In getting at the ins and outs. 

Of the scenery there-abouts. 

With things that are and are not sainted 

He at length became acquainted, 

By following strictly, I may say. 

The usual senatorial way. 

Of taking a quiet interest in , 

All living things from stocks to tin. 

'Twas thus, alas, one eve while he 

Was pondering in perplexity. 

That Uncle Samuel was fated 

To see the things herein related. 



Uncle Sam's Visit to the U. S. Senate 



Upon the broad Potomac's shore, 

One somber Autumn day, 
With his hands thrust in his pockets, 

In a manly sort of way, 
Uncle Samuel stood thinking 

Beside the silver sea. 
And his visage was as rueful, 

As ruefulness can be. 
He was thinking how the statesmen 

Of a certain Yankee Nation, 
After long and dreary months 

Of steady legislation, — 
Or rather ages after 'twas 

Supposed to have begun, — 
Had talked about ten million things 

And not done a blessed one. 



The more the plain and simple facts 

Rose before his inner eyes, 
The more he felt down in his heart 

All his pent-up dander rise: — 
Said he, " By thunderation, I'm 

Agoin' to swear by dang; 
I vow I've got to take a hand 

And run my own shebang: — 
If that Senate don't do something 

About this thing o' pelf, 
I'm blamed if I don't regulate 

The pesky* laws myself." 
So saying, Uncle Samuel 

(Full name United States) 
Passed slowly up behind the house, 

And through the White House gates; 
He watched the leaves a-falling; 

He watched the skies turn blue. 
While he seemed to be a-making 

Up his mind what he would do. 




^ /Q^ur^^cuy, ^ A^>^, 



But presently he spruced up as 

Some ladies passed him by, 
He took a look to see the time; 

He gazed back at the sky; 
Then up the street went striding 

At a nervous swinging gait, 
Straight to the haughty columns where 

The Senate sits in state; 
He turned in towards the marble steps 

Where the -statue stood, 
When looking up he murmured slow 

In a reflective mood,- — 
"I wonder if live Senators 

Ever have been good; 
Or is the fiction really fact, 

As it has been said, 
That Senators are only good 

After they are dead. 
Ah! if George or Thomas J — 

Should come back here to-day, 



— 9 — 

I wonder what our Democrats 

Would have the face to say; 
I wonder now if Thomas 

Would really understand, 
That this is still the U. S., 

And not some foreign land." 
So pondering many musings 

Within his busy brain, 
Uncle Samuel went poking 

'Long with the crowded train 
Of people who were climbing up 

To see what they could see. 
In that prize show place for humor- 

The Senate Gallery. 

The other folks went in at once, 
But just as he came near, 

The guardian shouted loudly: 

" There's no more room in here! ' 

Uncle Samuel said something 
That sounded much like damn, 



And then informed that fellow 

That his name was Uncle Sam. 
The keeper said that he was very 

Very glad to know his name, 
But he wouldn't let no hayseed 

Bulldoze him just all the same. 
A looker-on then asked him 

If he didn't have a pull, 
While the keeper kept saying 

That the Senate was all full. 
So Uncle Sam went hustling 

'Round to another door. 
Which somehow he thought he reckoned 

He hadn't seen before; 
But just as he was going in, 

Somebody wished to know, — 
Where that poor old country jake 

Thought he was tryin' to go! 

His clothes were rather shabby — 
You must remember that; 



1 1 



His boots smelt of the country; 

Likewise his old plug hat; 
His hair was not so quiet 

As a city dandy's is, 
While unshaved sproutings covered 

That good old face of his; 
He was a mite upset no doubt; 

His head was in a maze; 
But what seemed most against him 

Was his plain old-fashioned ways; 
Yet he managed somehow to blurt out 

" I've been here before; 
I want to hear the silver ' ' — 

And then he said no more; 
At the single, small word ' ' Silver ' ' — 

Lo! straightway betide, 
He stood within the Senate 

For the door had opened wide. 
Then he sat him in a corner 

As quiet as could be, 



12 

And next he took a look around 
To see what he could see. 

Below him there the Senators — 

Those sentinels of fate — 
Calmly sat in sleeping rows 

Nodding to the great debate, 
As standing, talking to the air 

Upon two stalwart feet. 
Someone would say his something, 

And then start to repeat. 
As Uncle Sam sized up the place, 

He muttered, "Well, by gum; 
I'm confounded if I ain't glad 

After all now that I come. 
This is the nice way, — is it ? 

By all old freedom's guns. 
That the whole fly-wheel machinery 

Of my .government runs! 
Well, well, this is a circus 

That I never would have missed; 



An' to think those chaps get salaries 

For a doin' of all this! " 
He leaned him o'er the railing, 

Where in calm and peaceful sleep 
Two bulky Senators were trying 

Most gracefully to keep 
Their gentle equilibrium;- 

Just to show how things should be; 
And from appearance were succeeding 

Unto a perfect T. 
Another pair were smiling up 

Like two empty headed dudes, 
While the rest were sort of strewed around 

In various attitudes. 
A paper here; a letter there; 

Some reading and some writing, — 
They were an all-iired motley crowd 

And not quite all inviting; 
A pair of boots would upward soar 

As if they'd reach the ceiling; 



— 14 — 

Another pair would dig the floor. 

As if it had no feeling; 
While some were scribbling letters 

In a perfect raging fury, 
Some looked calm as if there wasn't 

Such a mortal thing as hurry. 
One would tiptoe to his neighbor 

To say a little word; 
Anotherd sit like Egypt's Sphinx 

That has never stirred; 
Thus while some were whispering; 

Some snoozing and some walking, 
An orator in front would be 

Trying to do his talking. 
Amidst the buzz of conversation; 

The whizzing of the air — 
And a sort of mixed up mess of sounds 

That came from everywhere, 
A faint and mellow music 

That seemed very like a snore, 



— 15 — 

Was wafted in gentle anthems 

Up from the Senate floor. 
'Twas a corporations Senator 

Whose dreams must have been bad, 
For he snorted Hke a harpooned whale, 

When it's starting to get mad, 
Then suddenly his big fat head 

Began to toss and roll, 
As if his visions weren't 

Exactly soothing to his soul. 
While the status which he had 

So carefully maintained, 
Became a little shaky — 

I may say a little strained- — 
For with a most amazing snort 

And one last troubled snore 
He woke — in time to save himself 

From rolling on the floor. 
Uncle Sam burst out a-laughing 

With a hearty ha! ha! he! 



— 17 — 

He laughed until the rafters shook 

In that Senate Gallery; 
* ' Wal, now, I say that that performance 

Was pretty middlin' good; 
He didn't fall, — but Lordy! 

I was hopin' that he would!" 

With chubby fists that member 

Rubbed his eyes — then rubbed again; 
Next sat up and looked about 

In haughty, proud disdain; 
He seemed to feel somehow deep down 

An inward consciousness, 
That he had run some awful risk — 

Though what he could not guess; 
But far down in his mind indeed 

There plainly seemed to be, 
A need just then of keeping up 

Some extra dignity. 
For after that, save now and then 

For a blank-eyed sleepy blink. 



And one or two back-sliding nods 

Mixed with a dreamy wink, 
That Senator he sat bolt up 

And no member you could see, 
Was half as wide awake (outside) 

As that member seemed to be. 
While Uncle Sam was watching him 

Of the corporatious snore, 
Another member sprang in haste 

Upon the Senate floor, — 
"I rise to point of order! 

I am sorry but I fear 
That though this Senate seems in session. 

There is no quorum here! " 
Applause arose from all the friends 

Of said sorrow-stricken Inan, 
While wrath filled those who think their friends 

Should slumber while they can. 
The Speaker spoke: -'The Clerk will please 

Proceed to call the roll." 



— 19 — 

And then 'twas found they needed two 
■To make their quorum whole. 

Hurry scurry went the Sergeant, 

And soon he brought in one; 
Then another one was captured 

As he was trying to run. 
But neither of them seemed to have 

The sHghtest spark of shame, 
About the thing of going in 

And answering to their name. 
The roll was called once more, 

But one — whom everybody knew — 
When the Clerk called out his name, 

Wouldn't say as much as booh. 
They tried to make him answer. 

But he sat and just kept mum, 
Looking calm and quite collected, 

And mighty all-fired dumb. 
Then the Speaker said that Mr. X. 

Might not answer to his name, 



20 

But the Senate would proceed 

With its business just the same. 
Then Mr. X. who hadn't answered 

Because he didn't choose, 
Now began orating Hke 

A mill-dam broken loose. 
His face all flushed with crimson, 

Grew redder and more red, 
And this is a small sample of what 

That noble member said : 
(He was a chap who tipped the scales 

At a good two-hundred weight) 
"Mr. Speaker, 'tis with sorrow 

That herewith I rise to state, 
That since I didn't answer when 

The clerk read that roll-call, 
It showed — why it just showed I reckon 

That I wasn't here at all ! " 
With a calm beatified expression 

On his expansive face, 



A 



21 



He squeezed himself back in his seat 

With a cute unconscious grace 
A fellow member rose and said : 

" Now it seems to me he was — 
Being here don't show his presence — 

Well, I rather guess it does! " 
The Speaker then allowed that 

The Senator was right, 
For the two-hundred weighted member 

Was certainly in sight. 
That puffing corporosity 

Jumped back upon his feet — 
"Mr. Speaker — Mr. Speaker — 

Mr. Speaker, I repeat 
That according to the letter 

Of what the Senate rulings say, 
If a member doesn't cast his vote — 

Why, per se, he is away!" 

Uncle Samuel roared aloud : 

" If that ain't climbin' on the fence ; 



— 23 — 

Good Lord — Good Lord, please send that chap 

Jest a ray o' common sense ! " 
That expansive member thought 

He was having splendid fun, 
But in a minute more said member 

Was promptly sat upon. 
For the Speaker rose and curtly said, 

According to his view, 
Not even a Senator can be 

Both in sight and absent, too. 
Next a member who had risen 

To make a short remark, 
Took up all the Senate's time 

Till 'twas pretty nearly dark. 
Meanwhile Uncle Sam was talking 

With a lad of scarce eighteen, 
Who had found a seat beside him. 

But whom before he hadn't seen. 
At first they talked of this and that, 

Crops, accidents, and then 



— 24 — 

They did exchange a view or two 

About their fellow men. 
When, growing confidential, 

The young lad said he knew. 
He could run a government "better'n 

What these chaps seem to do." 
And remarking he was tired 

Of all their stupid stuff. 
The young man said he guessed he'd go 

For he had had enough. 
With a jaunty " So long ! " 

And a most mannerly "Good day," 
The young man went toward the door ; 

But as he strode away. 
Uncle Sam — who had forgotten earth 

And every other clime — 
Bethought him to investigate 

The locality of time. 
He jerked his big gold chain out; 

Twas exactly half-past five. 



— 25 — 

'* Gee ! I'll miss my supper this trip 

As sure as I'm alive ! " 
He jumped up in a hurry ; 

"Now, gen'rally I don't care, 
But after goin' through this mill, 

Ye can't be livin' upon air ! " 
Yet ere he fairly reached the door, 

He gave a backward glance — 
One last fond farewell — when 

Toward the front he saw advance 
A stately man upon whose brow 

Sat dignity and pride, 
A very noble Roman seemed he 

(To judge him from outside) 
" Wal, now," said Uncle Samuel, 

" I guess I'd better stay, 
For this here feller looks as if 

He'd got somethin' big to say: 
I kinder think that his remarks '11 

Be more pinted, pat and few. 



— 26 — 

For he seems to know exactly 

What he's startin' out to do.' ' 
So Uncle Samuel went back 

And resumed his former place, 
As that Senator began to speak 

With a most impressive grace. 
Now, you cannot judge a donkey 

From the mildness of his eyes; 
You cannot always tell a storm 

From the signs within the skies; 
A rattlesnake looks placid 

When he's basking in the sun; 
And you'll never know an orator 

'Till his orating's done. 
That noble Roman started in 

And with most pacific mien, 
Tried to tell the Senate what his views 

Had ever always been; 
He said it grieved him to the heart 

To look about and see. 



— 27 — 

So many- signs of -discord 

And so much perplexity. 
But if they'd hsten to him — 

And he'd try to make them hear- 
He would clarify the subject 

Till 'twas most opaquely clear, 
It ill became a patriot, he thought, 

And a Senator indeed. 
To sit and never give his views 

When his country was in need. 
Thus that noble Roman did begin 

In a placid even tone. 
Which in the not far future 

Became a little like a drone; 
But it was very even. 

And his voice was very clear. 
So it sounded very pleasant 

For a while to sit and hear; 
But slowly Uncle Samuel 

As he listened to him speak. 



— 28 — 

Be^an to feel so hungry 

That it fairly made him weak; — 
"Wal, now I've started out to see 

This 'ere session through — 
And I s'pose that feller '11 shut up 

In a minute more or two, 
But if he don't, by thunder, 

I hev' got to have a bite. 
For my stomach, — wal, my stomach 

Don't feel jest exactly right! ' ' 
But when the orator kept on — 

Lo, there came a happy thought. 
Uncle Sam remembered that 

As he entered he had bought, 
A half a dozen apples. 

How his keen grey eyes did gloat. 
As he pulled those rosy apples 

From the pocket of his coat. 
And being one who had been reared 

On light and simple fare. 



— 29 — 

Uncle Samuel seized said apples 

And munched them then and there. 
And when the last one was consumed 

Unto the very core, 
Though he looked much disappointed 

Because there were no more, 
He smacked his lips as every 

Healthy apple-eater does. 
And sighed in mild contentment; 

"I am better than I wuz! " 
Again he looked down on the floor 

Where in dignified state, 
That noble orator still stood 

Ekeing out the great debate; — 
^Tt beats the deuce," said Uncle Sam, 

''The kinds o' human natures; 
That feller'd sot down 'fore he riz 

If he know'd pertaters! 
But the noble Roman in his heart 

Held quite another view — 



— 30 — 

For he talked and talked and talked 

With no sign of getting through; 
Came six o'clock, — then seven 

And eight and nine and ten; 
Still he stood calmly talking 

To that squad of sleepy men. 
Eleven o'clock came in due time, 

But slowly, calmly still 
That flood of talk moved like the flow 

Of a patent water-mill. 
Then charmed as by some subtle, 

Dunciadic wand or rod. 
First beginning to be drowsy, — 

Next to yawn and gape and nod 
And with that voice still droning 

Like the moaning of the. deep. 
Uncle Sam fell into a weary. 

Dreary and exhausted sleep. 



— 31 — 

UNCLE SAMS SLEEP. 
He slept in peace. But presently — 

Perhaps a half an hour — 
He saw the member make an end 

And giving up the floor 
Retire in stolid silence 

From the sigh enladen air, 
Down through rows of placid faces 

That beamed from everywhere. 
Then came a rustle, — during which 

He saw from where he sat, 
A tall, quick fellow enter, 

Decked in a cockade hat; 
His coat was velvet and his vest 

Was bright in all degrees; 
His shoes had silver buckles 

And his pants stopped at the knees; 
He wore a sort o' woman's waist 
With ruffles in full view, 



— 32 — 

While his raven hair was — a la Chinese- 
Done up in a queue; 
Yet with a certain antique look 

He carried with him there, 
A modest, clear, straightforward 

And a most commanding air. 
So wild was Uncle Sam to hear him 

That he could scarcely wait: 
" By the shades o' Bunker Hill 

Thet's Patrick Henry sure as fate! 
Gosh! But see them sparks o' light 

Ablazin' from his eye; 
Now he's the sort o' feller, 

God has made to speechify!" 
Uncle Sam then saw he held 

A riding whip in hand, > 
But looked as if there was something 

He didn't understand; 
He saw him gaze up at the ceiling; 

Then around and all about, 



— 33 — 

As if in the air was something 

He codldn't just make out; 
Meanwhile another member rose 

And in words that sounded wise, 
Said something about Silver 

And the need of compromise; 
That for the sake of harmony, 

He thought it was the better way; 
' For even the side that knew 'twas right 

To try and give way; 
Because each party needed 

To retain its party friends. 
Thus, hedging was the proper means 

Of gaining governmental ends; 
And since nobody was quite 

Sure of anything — he guessed 
That compromise would be the way — 

" For what's safest, that is best! ' ' 
And said member who had spoken 

In behalf of compromise. 



— 34 — 

Sat down alooking tickled 

From his boots up to his eyes. 
Then Uncle Samuel saw him 

Of the antique coat and queue, 
Advance and ask the speaker 

If he could say a word or two: 
The drowsy speaker never oped 

His dreamy eyes to peep, 
But nodded yes, and then straightway 

Fell off again to sleep. 
He smiled — did Patrick Henry — 

At men sleeping 'neath his view; 
He smiled as if to say: " I guess 

You'll wake up before I'm through!' 
But he proceeded to explain 

In a very quiet tone, 
Where since last time Congress met, 

Where it was that he had gone; 
He said he went to Charlotteville 

To consult with Thomas J; 



— 35 — 

And that indeed he didn't think 

That he'd be so long away, — 
To tell the whole truth after 

His long riding he was glad 
To return, — especially 

As the roads were very bad; 
Then he stated — while his voice 

Rose in volume and in vim — 
That whereas the present question 

Was a little new to him. 
And as he was quite unprepared 

He wouldn't speak on it to-day; 
But that however there was one thing- 

Which he felt impelled to say, — 
For his heart down to its very depths 

With sorrow had been stirred. 
By the low, vile, petty sophistry 

Of the things he had just heard. 



-36- 

' ' Look at the Lessons of the Past — and they lie in easy reach — 
Look at Earth's dead empires, what do their bitter records teach? 
What says the glories of old Rome, what says her dying sighs? 
This, — that human Right and Wrong can hold no compromise! 
Do you ever think that ever since the very birth of Time, 
Through all the mournful ages stained with folly, blood and 

crime, 
That where a single fact has risen from darkness into light, 
' ris because a deed was done there just because 'twas right: 
That all else is forgotten! Not a man to-day can tell, 
The names of mightiest influence for whom great Nations fell, 
The rich, the powerful, and all the worldly-wise, 
Who by schemes and cliques, and combinations showed their 

enterprise 
All dead and unremembered as the dullest piece of clay, 
For Sophistry shall parish do whatsoe'er it may. 
And as for statesmen's records, I think you'll find it true — 
Fearless minds have made the many, and tricks have made 

the few; 
'Tis small two-penny thinkers who follow the wise ends 
Of making God Almighty serve the views of their dear friends; 
Who think they manage Fortune, or what is rather worse, 
Who fancy their potato patch is the mighty Universe. 

Sir, the Nation — the whole Nation! That and that alone 
should be, 



— 37 — 

The sign, the guide, the watchword of a statesman's loyalty. 

Whatsoever State shall rise in strength, intelligence and might, 

Must rest upon the rock foundations of eternal right; 

For if a Nation is to keep its corpse above the sod. 

It first must try to live in harmony with God. 

It's the vilest sort of falsehood that's been spoken here to-day. 

'Tis not the policy that's safe which is the wisest way. 

Sir, I say to all assembled here, by the blue eternal skies, 

That the man or State which tampers with the jugglery of lies, 

As sure as Night shall follow Day, — That man or nation dies!" 

As Patrick Henry took his seat, 

Came a sudden breathless lull, 
And next a round of sharp applause 

Which filled the Senate full- 
Applause which slowly rose into 

A loud re-echoing roar. 
That sounded like the storm surf 

Beating on a rocky shore. 
The sleepy heads were all awake; 

Here and there and everywhere 
Men were stamping, clapping, shouting — 

Nay! the very air 



— 38- 

Seemed to fairly flame with fire 

Like a glowing sunset sky, 
With a splendor that has caught ablaze 

From a single human eye. 
Uncle Sam got so excited 

That he swung his old plug hat, 
As he murmured: "Gee! I wish that I 

Could speechify like that! ' ' 
An opinion in which, by the way, 

All seemed undivided, 
Therefore it took some minutes 

Ere the Senators subsided — 
For although men in words will wrangle- 
Grow rosy and perspire, 
They all unite at once upon 

What compels them to admire. 
Now when the Senate had resumed 

Its former gentle state, 
Of quiet and innocuous 

Desuetudinous debate, 



— 39 — 

The Speaker, he arose and said: 

' ' There was present with them there 
A gentleman of fame known through 

The Nation everywhere, 
An active legislator, too — 

Though that was long ago — 
For of late years he had rather 

Been an ex-officio; 
However, it occurred to him 

That perhaps it might pay 
For the Senators to listen 

To what he had to say 
About the general problems 

And questions of the day; 
And would the following Senators 

(Naming three of reverend age). 
Conduct their Uncle Samuel 

Up to the Speaker's stage. 
As Uncle Sam heard that he saw 

A (Silver) member scoot; 



— 40 — 

And looking toward the door he thought 

He'd better follow suit; 
Just then those Senators came up 

And with a pleasant smile, 
Conducted him in frigid silence 

Down that awful lengthy aisle; 
His head it swum; his vision reeled; 

It seemed that he was blind. 
When of a sudden Patrick Henry 

Arose before his mind. 
And after that he never felt 

The tiniest bit afraid, 
But stood right up — and all alone — 

And this is what he said: 

UNCLE SAMS SPEECH. 
"Feller Countrymen, it is with great pleasure that I rise, 
To stand upon this Senate floor, and to look into ye're eyes: 
I hev' often heard about ye, and I'm very glad to say, 
That I feel exceedin' interest in bein' here to-day. 
Though with all ye're modern notions I cannot jest agree, 
I tell ye they're chuck full o' quanderies fur me; — 



— 41 — 

Here and there I kinder thought I ketched onto a pint, 
That seemed to me as if 'twas yanked a little out o' jint; 
So when I kin manage to collect the gist o' my ideas, 
I'd like to tell ye some few things that the farmer feller sees: 
If I'm too brief in my remarks, please forgit my failin's for 
I wasn't brought up in my youth to be no orator; 
I'm jest a plain old fashioned chap thet wants his land to be 
A place where common kind o' folks kin live happy and live free. 
Where the hul' concern kin revel in the best o' human health, 
And, by mindin' their own bizness kin get on the road to wealth. 
Where Tom and Dick and Harry aire as good as you and me — 
Previded thet they're loyal to our old Ameriky; 
And if they ain't — I hevn't nary hide nor hair o' doubt, 
That we'd better riz together and proceed to throw them out; 
Or rather — though perhaps it's somewhat latish to begin, 
We'd better see 'bout lettin' so many cartloads in. 
Howsomever, I won't specialize about this thing or that, — 
I want to mention what I think this country's comin' at; — 
We're a mighty big concern I 'low and yit it seems to me 
Our Constitooshun ain't exactly what it used to be; 
Or rather I should mention thet the way thet things aire run, 
Ain't precisely what they wuz in the days o' Washington. 
Fur politics strike me as a great big game o' grab; 
With the prizes for the fellers with the biggest gift o' gab; 
And the question nowdays ain't so much to do the thing thet's 
right 



42 



As to keep a swimrain' in the swim and look purty and perlite; 

Now I wouldn't like to tread upon anybody's feelin's, 

But I really think you hev' too many underhanded dealin's; 

And I wouldn't say thet any on' ye'd go startin' out to shirk, — 

But what makes ye spend a week on a middlin' fair day's work? 

It's a fact ye take a heap o' time according to my view, 

In consultin' round instead of doin' what you started out to do; 

Though you all look mighty chipper and mighty hale and hearty. 

When the question to be settled is agoin' to suit your party! 

Oh I've watched your ways and doin's till I know ye to a T. 

I'm a plain old country hayseed, but ye can't bamboozle me." 

'Twas hereabouts that Uncle Sam 

Thought he heard a haw and hem, 
And someone say they didn't want 

No old fool to lecture them ; 
Then a member rose up with. a gaze 

Of most pathetic scorn — 
(For his mind looked as if it might 

Be suffering from a corn) — 
" I rise to point of order, 

And I say it with great pain 



— 43 — 

That the member's statement of the facts 
Is too shockingly plain " — 

"Damnation take your indirections" — turning with a whiz — 
"The trouble with you fellers. — the trouble with you is — 
You've lost all sense and meanin' of good old honest biz; 
To do a thing because its right and because its fair and square; 
To act as ye think ye orter and stand for what you aire; 
Instid o' thet, 'bout all you do when you're startin' out to vote, 
Is to peek around to see the color o' the other feller's coat, — 
What party he belongs to, — as if it matter'd one blamed cop- 
per cent; 
Kin ye find two kinds o' patriots in a loyal government? 
What party! — Better drowned your parties in the old Atlantic 

ocean, 
And then sit down and try to git some decent kind o' notion, 
C what your duties to your Nation and your homeland ought 

to be, 
I tell ye, Freedom's cause ain't helped by the schemers thet 

ye see! 
When they wuz born, half on 'em should been laid back on 

the shelf; 
A statesman thinks of somethin' besides his pocket and himself." 

As Uncle Sam stepped from the stage, 
He saw a crowd of men 



— 44 — 

Come up to offer their good wishes 

To which he smiled, and then — 
He woke up with a sudden jerk 

Like one risen from the dead, 
The speech still ringing in his ears 

Of all (he imagined) he had said ; 
Just where or what he was 

He couldn't exactly see, 
For instead of being on the floor, 

He was in the gallery. 
Beside him stood a fleshy man 

Whose garments did encase, 
A form that was as plump and rotund 

As his rotund face ; 
Uncle Sam looked up and queried — 

"W^al, an' who be you?" 
That rotund person gave one look 

That froze him through and through. 
As with a cry of indignation 

He called out with a roar — 



— 45 — 

** I ? You poor old ignoramus — 

I am the Janitor ! " 
'' I beg your pardon, mister, 

But I never did pretend 
To recognize too sudden 

Even my bosomest friend ; 
Now jedgin' in a gin'ral way 

From your independent bent, 
I didn't know but what ye might 

Hev' bin the President." 
The Janitor, he^smiled and 

In milder fashion said, 
He might be some day, but meanwhile 

He'd do cleanin' up instead ; 
Then with a curious expression 

Which certainly seemed queer. 
He added: "It's time, I reckon. 

You were gettin' out o' here ! " 

That capped the climax ! Uncle Sam 
Was now all in a daze, 



-46- 

He stretched himself back in his chair, 

And muttered in a maze : — 
** Gee ! I don't see where I be ; 

Wal, I've got my hat ; 
But Where's Patrick Henry gone ? 

An' geewhittaker ! whose that ? " 
He saw a sight that struck him dumb — 

Could it be that he was ill ? 
That same old droning orator 

Was down there droning still; 
Then suddenly he w^as possessed 

By a fearful inward fright, 
*'Whew! I never knew before 

My head wa'n't exactly right — ' ' 
He rushed up to the Janitor 

(Who was smiling with delight) 
'' Where'd thet fellow come from? ' ' 

Pointing through the morning light, 
" Why he's the tedious idiot 

That's been talking here all night!" 



— 47 — 

"Goodness bless me! then — then 

I ain't crazy after all; 
Wal, wal, (he murmured) but I've 

Been shook up powerful!" 
Then he saw it all — how instead 

Of speeches dire and deep, 
He had merely been indulging 

In a Senatorial sleep; 
But he didn't feel quite rested — 

For into his hearing still, 
Came that weary, dreary droning 

Of that patent water-mill; 
The Senator of placid-voice 

Was still trying to give as news 
Unto his weary colleagues, 

His twice told tedious views; 
At last, as there's an end even 

To what a mill-wheel can repeat, 
'Mid grateful sighs of glad relief 

That member took his seat. 



-48 — 

Next a member who had risen 

And secured the floor, 
(A man he was who'd spoken 

Five separate times before) 
Gave notice he could end his speech 

If they gave him two days more; 
Another Senator arose, 

And with charming modesty. 
Said that as for days to end his speech, 

He needed only three. 
Then, after two more members 

Had taken their modest turn, 
The Speaker called out for a vote, 

And the Senate did adjourn. 
For the Speaker said that after 

Sitting up all night he guessed, 
They'd agree with him that there was need 

Of a little solid rest ; 
Scarce a minute did elapse 

After work was ended there, 



-.49- 

They found themselves outside 

In the good fresh morning air ; 
Then, as in his stomach Uncle Sam 

Was feeling rather gaunt, 
He betook himself straightway unto 

The nearest restaurant ; 
And he murmured slowly as he 

Plodded meekly on his way : 
" Gee ! But I've learned a heap 

Since this time yistiddy." 



THE END. 



HI? 8 9 



^.J 



